Poetry & Prozac

I've opened up a "post entry" page every day this week, but whatever I have to say comes out emo or whiny or pissed off or some other emotion I don't really mean to be having.

I'm confused about fangirl-related social stuff and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I don't *think* I'm having drama, but maybe I am. If you're having drama with me, you should probably email me at bluestargirl at gmail dot com so that we can talk.

Also I'm losing my job next Friday. It was only a temporary position, but the circumstances of my leaving it, and the fact that I have to start training a new girl tomorrow, ultimately leave me feeling hurt and pissed off and betrayed.

AND I have to be finding a new job, and, just, times are shitty, you know? And I CAN'T afford to go on like this.

So mostly I'm various shades of a mess when I let myself think about things, and really happy and good when I don't. siren_mage, citibyrd, and Panic at the Disco are currently my very most favorite people. They are all unacceptably far away.

...See? Whiny AND emo. I'm pretty sure this is not how I'm actually feeling. Maybe.

I'm such an emotional wreck lately. I just need petting and to be told I'm loved, or at least liked, and appreciated. I am not usually like this, new friends! I swear!

I want to blame all of this on this weekend, but I'm pretty sure that's not the whole story. I think the truth is that the parts of this weekend that were epically shitty were largely caused by my being ridiculously over-emotional and hormonal and whatever the hell else is going on with me.

So I'm sorry, people I reacted badly towards. People I ignored because I felt like *I* was being ignored. I'm a little afraid I wrecked some friendships and potential friendships, but I'm not sure what to do about that now. I can only know what was going on in my head and explain how I felt justified at the time. There are a lot of things I wish that I could go back and change now, but mostly I had an awesome time and loved meeting and spending time with all of you. Sorry things ended badly.

So, yes, exhausted emotional mess is the state of me.

Let me preface this by saying, I know it's my fault. I screwed up and now I have to live with that. I'm not looking for a lecture, or for someone to step up and magically solve my problem, I am just cranky and whining.

I saw the Honda Civic Tour end of tour show in Anaheim last year. That stadium is a hockey rink. Because of the rescheduling shenanigans I bought tickets like a month before the actual show. GA pit tickets. So I assumed that same venue, essentially SAME TOUR the situation would be the same and didn't preorder.

It's not. So now I don't have tickets to, essentially, my hometown show. It's not sold out other than pit, and we have a couple of options and it's not like I'm not going to at least two other dates but, DAMMIT. MY show. If it were San Fransisco or Vegas, I'd be fine. Or if, you know, the venue wasn't being STUPID.

I love Panic and all, but the cheapest GA tickets I've seen are like $180 EACH, and, even if I HAD the money, no. Not so much.

It doesn't help that like half of my flist is coming out for that show. Because I'm a shitty, shitty, hateful human being, instead of being all "Yay! Meetups and funtimes!" I am all "*grumble grumble* Why couldn't they all just go to their OWN shows and leave me tickets for mine?" Which I *KNOW* is irrational and I still love you all lots and lots, but, grumble.

In conclusion: If anyone knows of anyone with spare GA tickets, point me in their direction? And also, I will very likely still be at that show, but probably not in the pit. *sigh*

Don't mind me, I'm just mad.

* I am a bad sharer, I KNOW this. But for the love of GOD, go away! Go AWAY! GO! Just STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND DON'T COME *HERE*. This is MINE. And other people's. From HERE. *glares* Do not want.

* Ticketmaster is listing a second HCT show on April 11. ??? Also I cannot go because I am going to the San Diego show and lack the ability to teleport. Whatever. It's not listed at either Panic's website or the HCT website, so, whatever. I am being zen. *breathes*

* My &*^(&*%&^% boss. I had a question yesterday. I e-mailed her about it. She answered. I followed instructions and sent the finished thing back to her. Today she sent it back saying I did it wrong. I fixed and sent it back with an apology that was also a little edged with "I ASKED you, you lied!" her response either absolved me or told me I'm an unprofessional idiot and don't know what the hell I'm doing. I honestly am not sure. Oh, and THEN she sent me another ten things to do.

* It's supposed to snow in Chicago tomorrow. I have a layover there on my way to wordsaremyfaith. I'm a bit concerned.

*grumbly grumbly ARGH!* Cross me, I fucking dare you.

I love Panic at the Disco, I love Panic at the Disco, I love Panic at the Disco, but good GOD the damn pre-sale.

I got the tickets I wanted. Sort of. For some reason the San Diego tickets were Will Call only and the e-mail about them says you get them "after the doors open the night of the show". AFTER doors?!! I am really, really hoping that they mean, you know, when the box office opens, and not actually AFTER DOORS. Because that is a stupid, RETARDED plan for a GA show. For now, I am being zen. Closer to the show I'll call the venue and find out what the deal really is and even if it's true that you can't get to Will Call until after doors, it's not like I'm not seeing HCT08 at least 3 times, including first and last show. Everything is fine.

And holy fuck pre-sales for the San Francisco show and San Diego show sold out fast. Like, under two minutes fast. Yay compulsive refreshing.

*deep breath* Now I just have to do this again for the Anaheim show.