Poetry & Prozac

Sooo, I just sat and mainlined all 5 eps of Torchwood: Children of Earth (which I keep wanting to write as "Children of the Corn" 'cause, I don't know). This was maybe a bad plan.

Um. I'm cutting this, because even vague spoilers suck, so, if you've seen TW:COE and want to read reaction, ( read on )

And I think that is enough of that.

In other news, it is still too soon for me to read non-AU Panic fic or look at happy foursome pictures, but I am getting there.

Also the Disco are all following each other on Twitter. I am choosing to interpret this positively.

* Apparently music has decided to fuck me over this week. The Matches announced their "hiatus" today. What are the odds that my favorite band and my best friend's favorite band would split up in the same week?

* I'm not really ready to read bandom stuff yet, or look at picspams, or anything. So I've been trying to play in Disney fandom. But it is all confusing and the only fic I can find is on ff.net, which, worlds of no. I JUST WANNA CURL UP AND READ STORIES, YO. Is that really not an option in Disney fandom?

* In unsurprising went-without-saying news, I'm grumpy. And just got twitter-defriended by someone I thought I was pretty tight with.

Ugh.

So, I was going to do a "Dear Disco, Thanks for all the awesomeness I have because of you" post tonight, because I really have had so much awesomeness thrown at me because of them. But I'm way not in the mood now.

* I've been listening to a lot of RENT and Matt Caplan this week. Do what you will with that. Actualfax craziest fandom ever, whoa boy.

I am a little embarrassed about how sad I still am. I am past denial, but I am up and down about everything else. Honestly? I haven't cried so hard since I was 18 and didn't get into the college I wanted. But people in RL seem to get it, or at least be sympathetic, so I figure the internet will probably be more so. I'm in bandom, there is no real shame.

My friends have been amazing. wordsaremyfaith let me babble nonsense words at her for THREE HOURS yesterday, and RL people are gentle and lovely and understanding about it being too soon for being rational.

This HURTS, guys. I don't like it.

Here are related thoughts I have had about things today:

* Ryan Ross. You are making some really really questionable choices and I hope you know what you're doing. I'm mad as hell at you, but I still love you like whoa. And really want to be your older sister that smacks you in the back of the head and calls you a dumbass.

* This fandom is AMAZING, you guys. People are WARNING on picspams and fics for "too soon"! That is the most ridiculously sweet thing ever. (And I, for one, am really really grateful, as it is totally TOO SOON for me. I had to switch up my desktop Monday, 'cause I couldn't bear to look at it.)

* I totally initially took sides, but now that people are calling "teams", I am mostly over it. I feel like Brendon and Spencer are probably the wronged party, but it's not like I actually know. Though, as far as fan-outreach/public relations go, Brendon and Spencer are being so ridiculously better. "Three Little Birds" makes me sob and smile and Spencer's pictures are oddly reassuring, while Jon's twitters and pictures make me go "TOO SOON!" a lot. And, you know, public pictures of you and coke in the same room are never precisely the best move...

So, yeah, that's where I am. That, listening to a lot of RENT, and reading ST:Reboot and Disney fic, because I'm not ready to face the rest of the Big Bangs.

So clearly I lied on twitter because all I want to do is pick at the open oozing sore that is Panic's ... seperation? Thing? I guess.

In retrospect, there are a lot of clues that point to what went down. Spencer and Brendon have been the public face of Panic in an oddly conspicuous way. And weirdly exclusively friendly with Pete. It's been strange.

Zack's twitter made me sort of smile. As much as I can about this. He is clearly on team Brendon-and-Spencer, which, again, in retrospect, obvious. Also he refered to the band as "the Disco" which validated me all over the place.

I don't think most people expected a Panic split to go down these lines, or, I didn't anyway. I guess my Jon/Brendon shipper dreams have just been ground to dust. That, or this is potential for some awesome epic angsty fics. I vote for door number two.

But, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Jon and Ryan are totally the bad guys on this in my head. I take that hug back, Jon Walker. I take it back so hard. (No, that's a lie, I totally don't. That is the GRIEF TALKING!)

I wonder who will fill the respective places in the new bands and if Brent is lying around amused by all of this?

My baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, you guys!

I'm seriously a little nauseous, guys. And incoherent. And a mini-picspam of Brendon (with cameos by the rest of Panic 2.0) almost made me cry just now.

In conclusion, here is a conversation I just had with girthygrizelda:

Her: "I'm no longer without furniture!"
Me: "But I'm without a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!"

also: "A lead singer and a drummer is totally a band!"

Also, I'm still not giving up on bandom, but if someone wanted to point me in the direction of Disney fic, that'd be rad

ETA: I guess it's a good thing I think Spencer's neat-o now, otherwise this whole thing would really REALLY suck.